Impact of Negative Feedback when you’re Neurodivergent

“Sit still”, “look at me when I’m talking to you”, “we don’t do it like that”. Any of this sound familiar? These negative feedback phrases are likely to ring a bell if you’re neurodivergent (ND) and may be bring back painful memories if you heard these as a child. If you’re autistic, ADHD, dyspraxic, dyscalculic, dyslexic or otherwise neurodivergent, it can be challenging to grow up in a neurotypical (NT) society, with NT expectations, and then being on the receiving end of criticism, rejection and negative feedback. Being exposed regularly to negative feedback – or criticism for being “different” in some way impacts self-esteem.

In this blog, we’re looking at the impact of neurotypical expectations and negative feedback upon self-esteem. It’s possible to recover from the impact of this. That can involve a deliberate plan towards recovery from negative feedback. In this blog, I’ll explore practical and neurodivergent ways to support yourself in the recovery from negative feedback, including how to recognise and celebrate your strengths and your uniqueness by way of an antidote to negative feedback.

What do we mean by negative feedback?

If you’re neurodivergent, you are likely have been exposed to negative feedback relating to how you:

• Speak

• Sit

• Organise your time and space

• Decide what’s important

• Express yourself via body language

• Write

• Problem solve

• Respond to instructions.

Teachers’ negative comments might have included:

“You just need to do it like this…..”

“Watch me and just do the same…..”

“This is the way we do this…”

Perhaps there were peers or adults in your life who said to you:

“Why can't you just be normal like other people?”,

“Everyone else can do it, so why can’t you?”,

“It’s no wonder you don’t have any friends”

“You’re weird”. 

Owww! These phrases, particularly when we’re exposed to them multiple times, lead to the feeling of being unsafe, rejected and ostracised – which can be traumatic. This type of criticism and negativity is different from constructive criticism. This type of feedback excludes and sets people up to fail, rather than encouraging and supporting difference and diversity. These phrases can set up a mindset that your difference is a deficit. That is not what I believe as a neuro-affirming therapist. 

Impact of negative feedback when you’re ND

Of course, no child makes it to adulthood without being on the receiving end of negative feedback. It is important we’re offered critique about what we do so we can improve and be a part of society. This is constructive. However, when society has expectations around what is “normal” that fails to recognise or celebrate diversity, negative feedback based on neurotypical expectations is damaging. When children are exposed to messages that are about who you are, rather than what you do, it feels shaming, crippling your self-esteem.

Recent research has shown that autistic and ADHD 11 -16 year olds reported a greater frequency of upsetting events at High School, such as misunderstanding a social situation, having peers talk about them behind their back, or being accused of being disruptive by a teacher. Interestingly, the researchers also noted that the negative emotions these events induced were felt more intensely for ND students compared to their neurotypical peers (Lukito et al., 2025).

Negative feedback based on neurotypical expectations can feel shaming

Repeated shaming experiences can be traumatising, leading to feelings of isolation, low self-worth and low mood

The “Double Empathy” problem

The Double Empathy problem is a theory developed by British autistic researcher Dr. Damian Milton in 2012 which helps explain the impact of negative feedback for autistic folk. Milton’s theory suggests that social communication breakdowns occur between autistic and allistic (non-autistic) people because of differing life experiences and communication styles. However, there can be an (incorrect) assumption that the fault lies squarely with the autistic person as someone who lacks the ability to empathise or understand others. Research shows that behaviour displayed by autistic people was difficult for neurotypical perceivers to interpret, that that NT observers tended to respond with criticism and unfavourable evaluations. For Milton, communication is a two-way street, and both parties have a role to play in seeking to understand the other. However, autistic folk can take on board and internalise the assumption that their communication style is the issue. That they’re at fault, or “faulty”. However, research suggests that autistic individuals often communicate highly effectively and empathise deeply with other autistic people (Mitchell et ., 2021). Communication difficulties primarily arise during mixed neurotype interactions.

An example of this Double Empathy problem in action

The channel 5 TV show, “Am I Autistic?” included an example of what the Double Empathy problem in action. In the show, NHS GP Dr Claire Taylor spoke to autistic people – including one woman who recalled sitting her GCSEs, where – in an English comprehension task - she was asked to read a booklet about horses and then write down what she’d learnt from the booklet. As someone keenly interested in horses, she learnt nothing from the booklet, as she already knew the facts and information in it. However, her response of “I’ve not learnt anything” didn’t earn her any marks in the exam, even though it was factually accurate. The exam paper ultimately penalised her for precision in her use of language. This is a form of negative feedback based around neurotypical expectations and standards.  

Quantity of negative feedback if you’re ND

It’s also important to recognise the impact of the quantity of negative feedback you are likely to have received if you’re neurodivergent. Psychiatrist and author William W. Dodson has estimated that by age 12, children who have ADHD receive 20,000 more negative messages from parents, teachers, and other adults than their friends and siblings who do not have ADHD. And, according to the National Autistic Society, 63% of autistic children reported being bullied at school, compared to 25% of neurotypical children. In other words, there is a greater frequency of negative feedback and criticism for neurodivergent children compared to neurotypical children.

Examples of the impact of negative feedback if you’re ND

This negative feedback can and does have an impact on ND individuals. Research shows that neurodivergent children and young people can have higher baseline levels of anxiety than their neurotypical peers. While 10 to 15% of the general population will experience an anxiety disorder at some point in their lives, 40% of autistic children and young people will have a diagnosable anxiety disorder and up to 70% will have significant symptoms of anxiety (Van Steesnel, et al., 2012).

Some of the other outcomes of this pervasive negative feedback based on neurotypical expectations include:

• Poor self-esteem

• Negative self-talk

• Anxiety

• Low mood / depression

• Social isolation and loneliness

• Internalised ableism

• Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.

The impacts of negative feedback based on NT expectations include anxiety, poor self-esteem and negative self-talk

Let’s look more closely at internalised ableism and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) to better understand how pervasive negative feedback when you’re neurodivergent leads to negative impacts. 

Internalised ableism:

Being on the receiving end of negative feedback when you are neurodivergent can lead to internalised ableism, where you absorb the negative messages you hear, and come to hold yourself to neurotypical expectations or standards. This can lead to being hard on yourself and punishing yourself for the things you “ought” to be able to do. Spotting the ways in which you are pushing and punishing yourself, and making your own life miserable with unrealistic “shoulds” is a first step in recovering from internalised ableism and the impact of negative feedback. Once you are aware of these shoulds and oughts, you can then deal with the feelings and emotions underlying such statements and offer yourself more compassion and kindness. 

Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria

Some neurodivergent people experience RSD – or Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria. RSD is an unpleasant, and sometimes overwhelming emotional response to real or perceived rejection, criticism, or failure. RSD involves feelings of distress, often disproportionate to the actual situation, and can involve a range of negative emotions like shame, guilt, anger, or sadness. 

Research found ADHD individuals experienced RSD after receiving negative feedback about work, academic performance, or within online spaces (Ginapp et al., 2023). Other common triggers for RSD in participants within this study included feeling excluded from social situations by peers or perceived abandonment from loved ones. This research also showed people RSD showed up as rumination, self-blame and emotional overwhelm, as well as via physical symptoms – such as muscular tension, a racing heart and digestion issues. 

RSD is not only experienced by ADHD people. RSD is a phenomenon we see in people with different forms of neurodivergence – autism, dyslexia, dyscalculia and dyspraxia. If you are ND you will know how to real or perceived rejection, criticism, or failure feels for you, and the impact this has on you. 

Other common symptoms of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria include:

Avoidance Behaviours:

Doing everything in your power to avoid or head off negative feedback.  This can lead to perfectionism and burnout.

Low Self-Esteem:

By criticizing yourself, it might feel like you avoid being criticized by others.  You get the negativity first, before others have a chance. 

Defensive Reactions:

You may notice you react defensively, or with anger or aggression to any hint of criticism or negative feedback. 

Loneliness and Isolation:

You might find you opt to spend time alone, or disconnected from others, in an attempt to avoid negative feedback. 

There is hope

All of this talk of the impacts of negative feedback could lead you feeling down. However, I believe there is hope. There are many things you can intentionally do if you want to redress the balance. In this final part of this article, I’d like to turn our attention to ways you can recover from the impact of negative feedback.

Celebrating your strengths

Your neurodivergent brain might be different from that of your neurotypical friends, family and colleagues. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have strengths. Sometimes the phrase “different, not deficit” is used as a reminder that when we lean into what neurodivergent brains can do, rather than focussing exclusively on what people find challenging, people are equipped and supported to thrive. Connecting with your strengths and affirming yourself can be an important step in recovering from a legacy of negative feedback when you’re ND.

There will be plenty you are doing okay (or even brilliantly!) with

Being in a supportive, neuro-affirming environment can help you to connect with your own okay-ness: an important part in the recovery from negative feedback

Swim in the best environment for you

Perhaps you’ve heard the phrase: "Don't judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree".  This is a helpful way to illustrate how a person may seem to be lacking in strengths or abilities when they are being judged according to neurotypical standards and expectations. If you put a fish in water, it swims efficiently and with grace and ease. In other words, your strengths will shine when you are in an environment that lends support to your abilities, skills and strengths.

This is an idea expressed in recent research, where Dr Abigail Russell, senior lecturer in child and adolescent mental health, found that when neurodivergent young people are provided with a supportive environment, they blossom: “If education is tailored to what matters to them – they can thrive” (Russell et al., 2023). 

So, I wonder what helps you to thrive?

• What are your strengths?

• What helps you to showcase your abilities and your talents?

• What do you like or indeed love about how you see, experience and interact with the world?

• What do you need from your environment to give you the best chance of living life to the full?

These questions are ones that you could explore in therapy with a neuro-affirming counsellor. They are also prompts that you can utilise in your own self-reflection. And, if you want to explore more of what helps you to bloom, I’d recommend the workbook by Dr. Megan Anna Neff. The Autistic Burnout Workbook (2025) has lots of reflection prompts and pointers to get you thinking about how negative environments might impact your wellbeing, self-esteem and confidence. The workbook includes activities exploring how to tailor your environment, so you are equipped to play to your strengths without becoming burnt out or overwhelmed in the process. 

The Autistic Burnout Workbook by Dr. Megan Anna Neff:

This resource may be helpful for you in your recovery from the impact of negative feedback based on NT expectations

A recovery plan

If you recognise that negative feedback based on neurotypical expectations has impacted you, then a recovery plan can help you to bolster and rehabilitate your self-worth and self-esteem as a neurodivergent person.  

Many autistic, ADHD, dyslexic or otherwise neurodivergent people benefit from having a plan or a strategy to help give some direction and intentionality in the recovery from the impact of neurotypical expectations and resulting negative feedback. A recovery plan aims to reduce stress and exposure to negative feedback based on NT standards whilst also increasing forms of support and soothing.

Things you can include on your own tailored recovery plan:

• Where and how can you strategically withdraw when necessary?  Spend time with people who help you to feel at ease.  Limit contact, where possible, with people who criticize, shame or chastise you.

• What demands or expectations can you let go of?

• What boundaries will help you to manage your exposure to neurotypical expectations?

• What do you want and need in your environment to meet any sensory preferences you have?

• Who are your go-to people for support when you feel low?

• What matters to you in life?  Identify your values and shape your decisions around how you can live life aligned with your values.

• Forgive yourself when you get things wrong or make a mistake.  Aim to adopt a growth mindset to help you be okay with your mistakes. Remember you are human, and it’s okay to make mistakes.

• How can you increase your engagement in tasks and activities that help you to shine? Spend time regularly engaging in what you enjoy and what gives you a sense of “you”.  For me, that’s gardening! Consider what activities, passions or interests help you to express yourself. 

Gardening is my way to feel more “me” like and to indulge my passion / special interest.

What activity helps you to shine and feel a sense of your own okay-ness?

How counselling helps

Counselling offers a non-judgemental space for you to show up just as you are. Rather than fall back on assumptions, prejudices or social expectations, a well-trained and neuro-affirming therapist will use their curiosity and empathy to try to understand the world from your viewpoint, your frame of reference. This environment can feel supportive and help you to connect with ways to recover from the impact of negative feedback.

A neuro-affirming counsellor will be attending to your needs and preferences around communication and environmental and sensory stimulation. They will be interested in what you want and need to help you feel at ease. They won’t expect communication to be a one-way street. They will respect your autonomy and be understanding the many ways you’ve been impacted by negative feedback because of your neurodivergence. Offering accessible and inclusive counselling can help to update shaming messages you’ve received in the past about your own needs, wants and preferences.

Counselling can also be a place to:

• Experience what it is to be received and welcomed without judgement – where you are welcome to “be yourself” 

• Develop greater scope for emotional regulation and soothing when you feel criticised, “not good enough” or under attack

• Learn and perfect the art of reminding yourself not to take things personally in the moment, and to gain a sense of perspective

• Learn to appreciate your own uniqueness and your strengths and abilities

• Develop increased capacity around self-advocacy and pacing

• Grow in awareness of what works for you in terms of living well and thriving as a neurodivergent person

Get in touch

If you’re curious how neuro-affirming counselling can help you to recover from the impact of negative feedback and neurotypical expectations, do make contact with me, Claire Law. We can talk through how online counselling or face-to-face counselling at my therapy room in Preston may help you to recover from negative feedback and thrive as an autistic / ADHD / dyslexic or otherwise ND individual.

I’m a BACP Senior Accredited Psychotherapist offering professional neuro-affirming counselling and psychotherapy in Preston, Lancashire and online for adults based in the UK. I’m listed on both the Autistic Therapist's’ Directory and the National Autistic Society’s Autism Services Directory.

I welcome you getting in touch - the contact section of my website has various ways you can make initial contact.

References:

Alkhaldi, R. S., Sheppard, E., & Mitchell, P. (2019). Is there a link between autistic people being perceived unfavorably and having a mind that is difficult to read? Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49, 3973–3982.

Ginapp, C. M., Greenberg, N. R., MacDonald-Gagnon, G., Angarita, G. A., Bold, K. W., & Potenza, M. N. (2023). "Dysregulated not deficit": A qualitative study on symptomatology of ADHD in young adults. PloS one, 18(10), e0292721.

Lukito, S., Chandler, S., Kakoulidou, M., Griffiths, K., Wyatt, A., Funnell, E., Pavlopoulou, G., Baker, S., Stahl, D., & Sonuga-Barke, E. (2025). Emotional burden in school as a source of mental health problems associated with ADHD and/or autism: Development and validation of a new co-produced self-report measure. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 66(10), 1577-1592.

Milton, D. (2012) On the ontological status of autism: The 'Double Empathy Problem'. Disability and Society.

Mitchell, P., Sheppard, E. and Cassidy, S. (2021), Autism and the double empathy problem: Implications for development and mental health. Br J Dev Psychol, 39: 1-18.

Russell, A. E., Benham-Clarke, S., Ford, T., Eke, H., Price, A., Mitchell, S., Newlove-Delgado, T., Moore, D., & Janssens, A. (2023). Educational experiences of young people with ADHD in the UK: Secondary analysis of qualitative data from the CATCh-uS mixed-methods study. British Journal of Educational Psychology, 93, 941–959.

Van Steensel, F. J. A., Bögels, S. M., & Dirksen, C. D. (2012). Anxiety and Quality of Life: Clinically Anxious Children With and Without Autism Spectrum Disorders Compared. Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 41(6), 731–738.