No-fuss anxiety tips #3: Be Kind to You
Welcome to the third blog in a series of 20-short anxiety articles with simple tips and techniques for managing anxiety. This blog focuses on the role of self-kindness and self-compassion in managing anxiety. As with all the anxiety tips in this series, its based around strategies designed to give you a sense of agency when it comes to managing anxiety and draws upon therapeutic thinking from a range of psychological and psychotherapy theories. My hope is that, rather than feel like anxiety is in charge, you’ll have some tried and tested ways to tackle anxiety.
What these tips won’t do is explore the origins and purpose of anxiety for you – this type of deeper exploration is what therapy offers. That said, having strategies for managing anxiety is a great place to start. Each article is designed to be quick read, no-fuss. So, let’s get into technique number three: be kind to you.
The role of self-criticism in fuelling anxiety
When we feel anxious, stressed and worried, it can be a challenge to be compassionate or kind. We may become frustrated, tense and angry and act that feeling out by speaking curtly or criticising towards others. It’s also possible that we criticise, blame or attack ourselves. Its possible to give yourself a very hard time for feeling anxious, which - in turn - can fuel more anxious feelings, as your brain recognises you are being criticised and are under attack.
The power of self-compassion for managing anxiety
For this reason, Dr. Kirsten Neff (Associate Professor Human Development and Culture at the University of Texas) began to research the role of self-compassion as an antidote to self-criticism. She discovered that self-compassion is a powerful tool supporting mental wellbeing and health, with self-compassion reducing anxiety by reducing the harsh, fear-based criticism that fuels anxious spirals (Neff, 2022). Self-compassion has been shown to be an evidence-based approach for managing anxiety (McBride et al., 2022).
Compassion means to notice suffering and then responding to pain without judgement. Self-compassion involves recognising your own pain and suffering, and responding with care, warmth, kindness and non-judgement. Instead of mercilessly criticising yourself for shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal struggles.
Dr. Neff’s research has helped to identify three key features of self-compassion:
1. Self-kindness vs. Self-judgement.
Self-compassionate people recognise that making mistakes is part of being human. They avoid harsh self-criticism and judgement when they experience difficulty.
2. Common humanity vs. Isolation.
Self-compassionate people recognise that all humans experience suffering and pain and make mistakes. This helps them to feel connected to others, rather than feeling alone and isolated because of their pain.
3. Mindfulness vs. Over-identification.
Self-compassionate people can take a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are acknowledged and recognised without defining a person or becoming “over-identified” with thoughts and feelings.
Today, notice when you experience self-criticism.
Pause, and breathe.
Then ask yourself how you can choose to respond with self-compassion?
How can you be kind to yourself today?
Next steps?
If you’ve enjoyed this mini-blog on the role of self-compassion in managing anxiety, you may be interested in this longer piece that explores self-compassion in more detail
There’s also plenty more blogs within this anxiety-themed series to check out - the next article, blog #4 focuses on movement as a support for anxiety.
And, if you’d like to talk through how counselling can help you towards a deeper exploration of your anxiety, do get in touch, with me, Claire Law.
I’m a BACP Senior Accredited Psychotherapist offering professional counselling and psychotherapy in Preston, Lancashire and online for adults based in the UK.
We can talk through how online counselling or face-to-face counselling at my therapy room in Preston could be helpful for you in managing your anxiety and getting to the roots of what lies behind your anxiety. I’d love to hear from you.
References:
McBride NL, Bates GW, Elphinstone B, Whitehead R. (2022). Self-compassion and social anxiety: The mediating effect of emotion regulation strategies and the influence of depressed mood. Psychol Psychother. 2022 Dec;95(4):1036-1055.
Neff, K.D. (2022). Self-Compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annu Rev Psychol. 2023 Jan 18;74:193-218.