Are you masking?
How counselling supports unmasking
Who are you, behind the mask?
“Who are you?” Your initial response to this question may involve all sorts of socially acceptable answers. But when you dig a bit deeper, who are you, really? Questioning who we are and finding ways to understand ourselves is part of being human - we can and do question our own consciousness. And yet, we can also find ourselves playing a role and hiding behind a mask - pretending to be someone we’re not, or editing ourselves to fit in. Perhaps you find yourself asking “am I masking?” or "who am I really, behind the mask?” If you are neurodivergent, you may well have been masking to “fit in” with neurotypical peers. Counselling can help with the process of self-discovery and unmasking. Many people come to therapy to explore the question of “who am I behind the mask”.
In this article, we explore the experience of masking, including neurodivergent masking and how that can get in the way of knowing yourself. We’ll take time to explore the benefits of finding spaces, places, and relationships where you can unmask and we’ll look at how counselling helps with unmasking and exploring questions of self-identity.
What is masking?
Sometimes the word camouflaging is used to describe the process of masking. Masking is a form of blending in, fitting in, not standing out. In the animal kingdom, camouflage is protective against predators. An animal that “stands out” in contrast to others is at increased risk of attack from predators who can spot them more easily. Masking, then, can be a way people avoid attack and perceived criticism and rejection in their relationships. We can think of masking as “impression management” or an attempt to sidestep stigma. Masking can take the form of:
Putting on a front
Saying and doing what you think people "want”
Hiding, shrinking or minimizing yourself
Silencing yourself
People pleasing
Pretending to be someone you’re not
Playing a role
Sacrificing your own wants, needs and preferences in order to fit in.
Masking can be intentional. Masking can also be an automatic reaction and unintentional in order to hide aspects of yourself to avoid harm.
Why do people mask?
There are all sorts of reasons people mask. In this article we’ll cover some of the common reasons behind masking. We’ll explore some common reasons for masking:
Being Autistic, ADHD, dyslexic or otherwise neurodivergent (ND) in a neurotypical (NT) world can lead to masking.
Feeling a pressure to hide your grief and experience of loss - to pretend “I’m doing okay”.
Feeling socially anxious, shy or introverted, and at odds with others who seem to find socialising straightforward.
Childhood messages about what’s acceptable and what must remain hidden can lead to masking - even when our childhood days are firmly behind us.
The exact purpose and function of masking is unique to each person. That’s where counselling can help - you get the chance to explore and make sense of your own personal experience of masking. It’s important to consider your own reasons and situation and what meaning masking holds for you.
Common reasons that people give to explain masking include:
I just want to fit in.
I don’t want to feel a failure.
I’m anxious you’ll reject me if you see the real me.
I don’t think you will understand how my brain works if I let you see more of myself.
I prefer to not be the focus of attention.
I want to hide my symptoms.
I’ve learnt to stay strong. Masking stops me feeling vulnerable.
I know you feel uncomfortable about my loss and I feel responsible for managing your feelings.
I don’t know how to unmask.
Counselling is a place where it’s okay to explore the reasons behind your masking, and to befriend any need you’ve felt to mask who you are.
Am I masking?
If you resonate with some of the above, you might be wondering if you are masking who you really are? Putting on a front, pretending or trying to be someone you’re not are all ways that we can mask. There are usually good reasons for masking. Masking can be understood as a way we adapt and respond to a environment that doesn’t offer enough support for you to be your authentic self. But if you are wondering if you are masking at all, the following questions are likely to be helpful to you:
Do you feel empty, or unsure of yourself, or struggle to feel a secure sense of self?
Do you experience yourself as acting, playing a role, or wearing a mask to fit in?
Do you feel the pressure of social demands to switch up how you present yourself in order to “fit in”?
Have others told you that you need to be different to be accepted?
Do you long to be better understood by people in your life?
If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, then you may be masking to some extent.
The impact of masking
Who are you?
Are you the mask, or the person behind the mask?
How can you detach the real you from the false self of the mask?
The concept of playing a role, or masking, is not new. The Ancient Romans used the word “persona” to describe a 'part' or 'character’ used to face the world. Masking can help us to feel less vulnerable and to present a front to the world. Masking can give us a false identity that allows us to feel somewhat accepted, or to avoid conflict, and to sidestep difficult conversations. However, whether we think of masking as playing a role, putting up a front or putting on a brave face, the outcome is the same - wearing a mask also leaves you feeling bewildered as to who you really, and engaging in relationships that are built on thin ice. You become disconnected from the full range of your feelings and your experience of yourself.
Neurodivergent masking
In a NT world, it’s hard to know how to be yourself if you’re neurodivergent
Masking is a term that is often used to describe many neurodivergent (ND) people’s experience of trying to live in a world designed by neurotypicals (NT). You might have heard and read about Autistic masking or ADHD masking and the concept of unmasking? You may have lived experience of masking Autistic &/or ADHD traits yourself. Perhaps you are dyslexic and creatively found ways to hide challenges you’ve faced in education, adopting strategies to mask your dyslexia. If so, you’ll know how exhausting masking can be. You’ll also know how daunting being vulnerable and showing others more of yourself can feel.
Research shows many young adults with ADHD feel pressure to mask in social interactions (Ginapp et al., 2023). This same study suggests ADHD masking may be more common in females. Interestingly, other research suggests women tend to employ more compensatory behaviors to hide ADHD symptoms (Young et al., 2020). For ADHD people, masking can be a honed technique, perfected over many years as a result of lived experience.
Recent research on masking in autistic and allistic (non-autistic) people (Miller et al, 2021) showed masking left people feeling disconnected from their true sense of identity. Masking had a negative effect on participants in this research. Both autistic and nonautistic people said that masking made them exhausted and unhappy and that it made them feel like people did not know the “real them. The research also indicated some forms of masking that might be more unique to autistic people, such as hiding stims from other people or minisming how impacted a person is by sensory overwhelm.
Playing a role
When we consider masking, it’s helpful to think about acting. Professional actors work hard for their money – learning lines and perfecting the art of playing someone they’re not. In a similar way, living with (diagnosed or not) neurodivergence in a neurotypical (NT) world can mean you work very hard to play a role. To learn to respond to the cues of “sit still”, “be organized” or “just relax!”. ND masking is a common response to NT pressure to fit in and to learn the lines that others want to hear. Playing a role takes time and energy and may leave you with little energy left to allow your strengths to shine. Of course, professional actors step out of character when the job’s over – if you’re masking ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia, or another form of neurodivergence, you may find there’s no let-up from masking. Masking can leave you exhasted and facing burnout.
Christine McGuinness’ experience of masking
Christine McGuinness’ BBC Documentary, “Unmasking my Autism” echoes echo many ND peoples’ experience of masking.
The BBC Documentary “Unmasking my Autism” offers chance to gain from Christine McGuinness’ experience of masking and the impact that’s had on her. Aged 33, the documentary follows her as she enters into a process of being assessed and then diagnosed Autistic. In a poignant clip where her Autism is confirmed – she says several phrases that echo many ND people’s experience of masking:
· “I’ve always felt different.”
· “It’s just exhausting.”
· “I thought I’d hid it better.”
· “I’ve faked a lifetime.”
· “I feel like I’ve faked a whole life”.
If some of Christine McGuinness’ experience echoes your own - then counselling can be a support to unpacking the impact of masking and also give you space where you can experiment with being your authentic self, free of judgement and expectation.
Masking driven by messages received in childhood
We absorb childhood messages, including “be strong”, “don’t feel” and “try hard”.
These childhood messages can lead to masking our true feelings and thoughts.
Yes, the word “masking” is often associated with Autism, ADHD and other forms of neurodivergence. But the phenomenon of masking is not limited to Autistic, Dyslexic, Dyspraxic or ADHD folk - as Miller et al (2021)’s research showed. NT people also mask and experience negative consequences from masking. Remember, masking can be an adaptive way to try to fit in. When there’s expectations laid down by others about what behaviors are valued, and what’s not accepted, it’s normal and natural to evolve our way of being in the world and around others to try to blend in. In other words, we begin to mask to fit in with others’ expectations. We’re socialized to conform. Family dynamics can place huge expectations upon children to present in a certain way, and this then becomes a driver that determines how that child presents themselves to others. We can think of these drivers as phrases such as:
“Be strong”
“Hurry up”
“Be perfect”
“Try hard”
“Please others”
“Look pretty”
“Don’t feel”
“Keep quiet”
So, I wonder if you recognise any expectations you were exposed to as a child from that list? Do you recognise any of these as sentiments that drive your behavior and contact with others as an adult nowadays? Do you feel that childhood messages have left their mark? How bewildered do you feel as a result about who you really are when these messages aren’t there?
Do you force yourself to keep quiet when you have things to say?
Do you push yourself to make eye contact, or find strategies that allow you to mimic others?
Do you pretend to be interested when you’re not?
Do you fake a smile and adjust your body language to what you think people want to see?
Are you working hard to avoid criticism by minimising what you feel, think or want?
All of this trying hard to fit in can be exhausting. Awareness of this process is often useful – and many people use counselling as a place to grow in such self-awareness and to spot patterns around childhood expectations that drive adult behaviors, leading to a form of masking.
Masking grief and loss
Grief leaves us feeling alone
The pressure to “grieve well” and “move through grief” can lead to masking.
A word, too, about masking in relation to grief. Experiencing grief and loss can be extremely painful. This pain can be exacerbated by other people’s difficulty in simply allowing us to feel such pain. It’s not uncommon for someone bereaved to find acquaintances avoiding them. Equally, people grieving can find friends and family members try to give them “solutions” to their pain – “why don’t you try joining a social group”, “you’ll feel better if you think positive”. So often, it is other people’s discomfort around death and loss that leads them to behave in ways that avoid, sidestep or “fix” sadness. As a result, bereaved people can feel under pressure to mask – to put on a brave face, to signal to others that they’re coping or are well on the way to “getting over it”. Their inner reality may not match their outer presentation to the world. As with the various forms of masking we’ve explored here, this process is exhausting and leaves us feeling alone and misunderstood. The mask people around you meet is not necessarily the “real” you. We can think of the mask as a false self.
How counselling helps with unmasking
Therapy allows you to gain awareness of your own process of masking
Exploring why you mask is something that counselling can help with. Because masking can be an automatic behavior, done outside of your conscious awareness, raising awareness and identifying patterns and themes allows you to consciously explore what might previously have gone “under the radar”. Counseling is a helpful ways to explore these questions for yourself and to increase your awareness of the unique meaning of masking for you. That frees you up to then make choices about how, where and when you might want to unmask - and when you want to hold on tightly to your mask.
Therapy also offers space and a non-judgemental and empathic relationship where you can show up and be yourself, experimenting with unmasking. The process of therapy often involves becoming more comfortable about letting yourself be seen and known, supporting choice around the extent to which you want to allow yourself to be seen and known by others in your life. Rather than “bottling up” your authentic feelings, counselling allows for space to let the lid off – to express yourself. To move towards accepting and loving yourself and coming to know who you are at depth.
Make contact
So, if you recognise some of the themes raised in this article with your own life, you may be considering therapy as a means to explore masking in your own life.
If you would like to chat through how counselling can help with any issues you experience in relation to the themes explored in this blog - please do make contact with me, Claire Law.
I offer both face-to-face counselling in Preston, Lancashire and online therapy for people based in the UK.
We can talk through how online counselling or face-to-face counselling at my therapy room in Preston can help any issues you have connected to masking: whether that’s Autistic or ADHD masking, masking due to social anxiety, masking around grief and loss or masking as a response to childhood trauma. I’d be glad to hear from you.
References:
Ginapp, C. M., Greenberg, N. R., Macdonald-Gagnon, G., Angarita, G. A., Bold, K. W., & Potenza, M. N. (2023). The experiences of adults with ADHD in interpersonal relationships and online communities: A qualitative study. SSM. Qualitative research in health, 3, 100223.
Miller, D., Rees, J., & Pearson, A. (2021). "Masking Is Life": Experiences of Masking in Autistic and Nonautistic Adults. Autism in adulthood : challenges and management, 3(4), 330–338.
Young, S., Adamo, N., Ásgeirsdóttir, B.B. et al. (2020). Females with ADHD: An expert consensus statement taking a lifespan approach providing guidance for the identification and treatment of attention-deficit/ hyperactivity disorder in girls and women. BMC Psychiatry 20, 404.