No-fuss anxiety tips #15: Whose Responsibility?

Here we are at blog number 15 in this 20-article no-fuss series on anxiety. If you’ve not read any of the previous posts, you can find the first blog in this series here. Each article focuses on simple tips and techniques for managing anxiety and is designed to be both a quick-read and informed by therapeutic thinking from a range of psychological and psychotherapy theories. In this blog, we’re looking at the concept of responsibility, and ways you can be clear on what lies in your responsibility, and what lies outside of that. Boundaries around responsibility can support with anxiety.

What these tips won’t do is explore the origins and purpose of anxiety for you – this type of deeper exploration is what counselling offers. That said, having easy to implement, no-fuss strategies for managing anxiety is a great place to start.  So – tip 15 is: whose responsibility is it?

You’re not responsible for the world!

Some people, for a whole host of reasons, demonstrate what is known as hyper-responsibility or responsibility-sensitivity — a psychological state where a person feel personally accountable for preventing harm, resolving problems, or fixing negative outcomes, even when the situation is outside their control. Research shows that hyper-responsibility can be driving force in anxiety related conditions (Ladouceur, et al., 1997). And, that people with an inflated sense of responsibility are more likely to demonstrate social anxiety (Jones & Rakovshik, 2019).

It can be helpful to remember that, whilst there are many areas of your life where you have responsibility, you’re not responsible for the whole world! Or even all the people in your corner of the world. You don’t need to feel burdened by responsibility that is not yours. Taking on other people’s responsibilities as if they are your own leads to anxiety and overwhelm as you begin to feel you have an awful lot to worry about.

To what extent do you find yourself feeling responsible for everyone else?

Taking on responsibility that’s not actually yours can be a contributing factor to anxiety

How might you be taking on other people’s responsibility?

Examples of ways you might be taking on responsibility that isn’t yours include:

• Putting up a front, or a facade, to try to control how other people think about you

• Editing and minimising yourself in order to prevent other people feeling certain emotions

• Apologising on behalf of others

• Trying to stage manage situations to change people’s behaviour

• Putting everyone else’s needs first while neglecting your own

• Feeling guilty when you set boundaries

• Feeling entirely responsible for the emotions and reactions of those around you.

Getting clear on where your responsibility ends to help manage anxiety

Working out what is truly your responsibility and then leaving the rest to others is a powerful step towards managing and reducing anxiety. You’ll have less to worry and panic about and can concentrate just on the things that you are responsible for, rather than carrying a hyper-responsibility on your shoulders. It’s not your responsibility to make sure your children are always happy: that’s an unrealistic expectation. It’s not your responsibility to do everything perfectly. It’s not your responsibility to stop other people feeling emotion. How your partner acts or thinks is not your responsibility. Having a clear sense of where your responsibility ends can really help to keep anxiety at bay. 

If you recognise you can struggle with hyper-responsibility, some of the following affirmations may be useful to you:

• It’s not my job to control how other people think about me - how the think is their business

• I can’t prevent people feeling emotions, and its not my responsibility to manage others’ feelings

• I am responsible for apologising for myself when I get it wrong - I am not responsible for apologising for others

• I can’t change people’s behaviour - that is their responsibility

• I am not responsible for putting everyone else first - my needs matter too

• I am allowed to have boundaries and say “no” - even when others don’t like my “no”.

• Other people are responsible for their own emotions and reactions. I am responsible for my own.

Consider whether there’s benefit in taking time over the next week or so to ask yourself what it is you are and are not responsible for?

Next steps?

To help develop your repertoire of managing anxiety, look out for more mini blogs within this series. The next article, #16, explores lifestyle tweaks in relation to anxiety. And, if you’d like to talk through how counselling can help you with a deeper exploration of your anxiety, do make contact with me, Claire Law.

I’m a BACP Senior Accredited Psychotherapist offering professional counselling and psychotherapy in Preston, Lancashire and online for adults based in the UK.

We can talk through how online counselling or face-to-face counselling at my therapy room in Preston could be helpful for you in managing your anxiety and getting to the roots of what lies behind your anxiety. I’d love to hear from you.

References:

Jones, M., & Rakovshik, S. (2019). Inflated sense of responsibility, explanatory style and the cognitive model of social anxiety disorder: A brief report of a case control study. The Cognitive Behaviour Therapist. 2019;12:e19.

Ladouceur, R., Rhéaume, J., Aublet, F. (1997). Excessive responsibility in obsessional concerns: a fine-grained experimental analysis. Behav Res Ther. 1997 May;35(5):423-7.