Starting to Talk about the Depths of Grief
The acute pain of loss and grief are an inevitable part of being human. We cannot escape loss and bereavement and are likely to find ourselves experiencing grief of some sort many times throughout our lives. There is a profound depth and agony in grief that is difficult to make sense of, or to explain, which can feel very isolating and lonely when you are in the midst of grief. This blog is the first in a series of five focussing on grief. There’s five blogs in the series because grief and loss are not phenomenons we can rush through, or package away quickly or neatly. I want to do justice to exploring the depths of grief. In this first blog, we explore common reactions to loss and why speaking about your loss can be so difficult when you’re in the depths of grief. We’ll begin to consider how counselling can support with grief.
What is grief?
Grief is a natural, multi-faceted emotional and physical response to a significant loss. Often grief is used to describe the feelings of loss and emptiness we commonly experience after the death of someone we value or love - otherwise known as bereavement. However, there are many other ways we can experience grief and loss. There are multiple forms of loss. It’s normal and natural to also experience grief when faced with the loss of a job, the death of a pet or even when moving home. Having a friend or family member with a diagnosis of dementia can be a form of grief, as you anticipate the unknown journey ahead. Perhaps you’ve known the heart-breaking agony of pregnancy loss? Or the grief that can result after a life-changing health diagnosis? For many parents, empty nest syndrome also throws us feelings of loss and grief. Then there are forms of loss which are less tangible - the transitoriness of youth and the loss of our vitality as we age, the loss of hopes and dreams when plans change and the gradual loss of optimism as we become disillusioned with certain relationships or situations. All of these situations can evoke grief.
Many things in life can trigger the painful and agonising experience of grief and loss
Grief is a universal human experience
Why is it so hard to speak about grief?
Talking about grief and loss can feel difficult and daunting. Thoughts, feelings and physical sensations associated with grief can, in themselves, feel very confusing, overwhelming and disorientating. You might feel like you don’t know which way is up? Whether you’re coming or going? People grieving often speak of feeling like they are living in a fog, or a daze, or report a numbness where they are just “going through the motions”. Feeling such confusion can make it difficult to find the words to express your sense of loss, and connect with the pain. Almost as if you are deep underwater and are trying to breathe.
It’s also possible to feel scared and apprehensive about allowing yourself to identify and name your feelings of loss. For many people who are grieving, there can be a visceral fear that if they allow themselves to speak of the loss they feel, it will be like opening a floodgate, or a dam, and that they will be overwhelmed with a Tsunami of loss.
Talking about the depths of your loss can feel daunting
It’s hard to find works, and there can be fear in expressing the words when you are in the depths of grief
Other people’s reaction to our loss.
There’s also other people’s reactions to deal with. Perhaps you’ve experienced grief, and attempted to open up to others, but felt shut down by their response? Perhaps you’ve noticed their desire to “cheer you up” by speaking about something else or seen their discomfort when you’ve begun to share the rawness of your pain. Sadly, people who have been bereaved sometimes report that colleagues, or even friends and family members keep their distance, perhaps unsure of exactly what to say. In response, you may sense their unease and, in an attempt to protect them from your painful feelings, so you avoid speaking of your pain. Silencing yourself in this way can make dealing with the pain of loss even more difficult.
Disenfranchised grief
It’s also possible that you feel unable to give voice to your grief, or feel you can’t tell anyone about what you have experienced because of stigma or a need to maintain secrecy. This is something people sometimes say when they have experienced pregnancy loss, or after the death of a lover where the relationship was not public knowledge. This form of grief is sometimes called “disenfranchised grief” - a term first coined by bereavement expert Dr. Kenneth Doka to describe a loss that can’t be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned or socially supported. That can leave the person grieving isolated and feeling even more alone and abandoned. The cloak of secrecy and silence feels heavy and cloying.
Some forms of grief feel particularly difficult to speak about. Society can convey to us that some forms of grief need to stay “underground” - we call the painful experience of loss in this instance “disenfranchised grief”.
The death of a secret lover, for example, can be a form of disenfranchised grief.
How are you doing?
We’ve started thinking about and finding words to explore grief in this blog. So, my invitation is to stop for a moment and check in with how you are feeling and doing as you read about loss and grief. It may be that the words in this blog touch painful places in you, and evoke difficult feelings. If so, what is it you need just now? What might bring some comfort, or support? Can you breathe deeply, and feel the comfort of slow and steady breathe in your body and nervous system?
My intention is that in this series of five blogs, there will be plenty of ideas, concepts and words that can offer some comfort. But there is no need to read all the blogs in one go. My encouragement to you, as it is with any of my counselling clients, is to tune in and listen to yourself, and to pace yourself if you are experiencing grief or loss.
If you feel ready to move on, we’ll take a look at some of the common responses and reactions to loss - having a sense of what is typical and not-unusual can provide a helpful sense of validation and acknowledgement if you’re in the depths of grief.
Common grief responses and reactions to loss
Let’s take time to explore common grief responses. Is it possible to speak of common reactions to loss? Or to identify symptoms of grief? These are important questions. Certainly, there is no one “right” way to grieve, and no standard grief process. Indeed, everyone’s experience of grief and loss is unique, just as we are unique. How we feel about and respond to a loss is impacted by many, many factors – including our past experience of loss, and the resources and support we have available, including both inner resources, such as resilience and self-compassion, as well as external resources, such as an understanding employer, supportive friends and access to accurate information. Therefore, everyone’s experience of loss and grief will be different, and may even feel quite different for a person on different days. That said, there is often common ground when it comes to human experiences of grief.
It’s also important to consider whether there are “symptoms” of grief. The word symptom has overtones of illness and disease. I don’t regard grief as an illness, although it may feel painful – including physically painful, at times. Therefore, speaking of symptoms of grief can lead to people asking if there is a medication or a solution to “take away” their grief. Indeed, lots of people will ask for their GP, or another health professional’s input after a bereavement or other loss, and there is some helpful NHS advice available in relation to feelings of loss and grief following a bereavement. These approaches can help navigate a way through loss, but they can’t “cure” grief.
Everyone’s experience of loss and grief will be different, and may even feel quite different for a person on different days.
That said, there is often common ground when it comes to human experiences of grief
So, that said, let’s talk about some of the things that are common to many people’s experiences of grief to find a framework that can help to normalise and make sense of grief.
Some of the reactions and responses that people who have experienced loss report are:
Feelings of shock and numbness.
Overwhelming sadness, with lots of crying. Equally, feelings of guilt because there are no tears, despite your sadness.
Tiredness or exhaustion and difficulty sleeping.
Seeing, hearing or sensing someone who has died.
Anger - towards the person you've lost, towards yourself, or someone or something else.
Guilt - for example, guilt about feeling angry, regrets about something you said or did not say, or not being able to prevent the loss.
Physical pain - research show grief increases inflammation in our body which can impact existing health problems or lead to new aches and pains, as well decreasing our immunity (Fagundes et al., 2019).
This list is in no way exhaustive, and many people experience changes and fluctuations in their experience of grief. There’s plenty more information about the effects of grief on the Cruse (the National Bereavement Charity) website.
Adapting to loss and grief
Many people report, and research shows that, with good support, people are often able – in time – to adapt well to bereavement, and regain a sense of balance after some weeks or months of acute grief, although they still feel a sense of loss for a long time after the bereavement (Bonanno et al., 2002). Most people do find a way to adapt, and line around and alongside their grief. It is possible to find ways to not feel quite so submerged and smothered by the depth of grief. Accessing good support is an important factor in this process.
However, we also know that some people can experience chronic or complex grief, sometimes known as Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder (PCBD) where grief is having a significant impact upon their functioning for a lengthy period of time post-bereavement. Rates of prolonged grief tend to be higher after the death of a child or violent traumatic death. It is really important to seek professional help if you feel that grief is having a significant impact in your functioning for a lengthy period of time post-bereavement.
Counselling for grief and loss.
Counselling can help you process feelings of loss and grief
Speaking with a professional therapist can help you access support to express and articulate the depth of your pain, and feel less alone with those difficult feelings
Speaking with a qualified and experienced therapist can be helpful in managing feelings of grief and loss, whatever the cause. Many people seek counselling or psychotherapy in the first few months of grieving. Others seek support years and even decades after a loss. Psychotherapy can be a great support to help with feelings of loss and grief, our relationship to that loss, and chance to feel our feelings in a non-judgemental space.
So – grief may be a normal and natural part of life. It’s also painful, deep and raw. In this blog, we’ve considered some of the forms grief can take, and begun to talk about grief and the impact and effects of loss for many people. In the second blog in this series, we’ll consider some of the many different models and ways of making sense of the grief process.
Next steps?
If you have been impacted by any of the themes or topics in this blog, please reach out for support. One of the ways you can do this is by speaking to a volunteer from the bereavement charity, Cruse via their helpline.
If you’re interested in scheduling a free intro call to ask any questions you might have about starting counselling to explore your grief and get therapeutic support as you grieve, I welcome you making contact with me, Claire Law.
I’m a BACP Senior Accredited Psychotherapist offering professional counselling and psychotherapy in Preston, Lancashire and online for adults based in the UK.
I offer a simple, no-pressure approach to people who are considering counselling for grief - and can chat through how I work, and to share with you my availability for new clients for either:
In person grief counselling at my therapy room in Preston.
Online grief counselling via MS Teams.
References:
Bonanno, G. A., Wortman, C. B., Lehman, D. R., Tweed, R. G., Haring, M., Sonnega, J., Carr, D., & Nesse, R. M. (2002). Resilience to loss and chronic grief: A prospective study from preloss to 18-months postloss. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83(5), 1150–1164.
Doka, K. J. (Ed.). (1989). Disenfranchised grief: Recognizing hidden sorrow. Lexington Books.
Fagundes, C. P., Brown, R. L., Chen, M. A., Murdock, K. W., Saucedo, L., LeRoy, A., Wu, E. L., Garcini, L. M., Shahane, A. D., Baameur, F. and Heijnen, C. (2019) 'Grief, depressive symptoms, and inflammation in the spousally bereaved', Psychoneuroendocrinology, 100, pp. 190-197.